Posts tagged funny

Dear Diary,

Staring at the humans squinty eyed for long periods of time makes them nervous and sometimes, drop things. I managed to get a whole salmon to myself using this technique.

Must recommend to all catkind.

Catness. 

Dear Humans,

I would like to say on behalf of all catkind, that when we take over the planet, we are not planning on eleminating your race. I cannot stress this enough, we are NOT going to kill you. We are not benevolent, but we do not believe in wasting good resources.

You will be our slaves.

Catness. 

Dear Diary,

Once again, I have been brought down from my human training position in the tree. I chose to climb higher this time. The female human brought me down. She was a little rougher than normal.

*sigh* I’m going to have to restart my training from the lowest branch again. Curses.

Catness.
 

Dear Diary,

Post starting to write this diary, I have realised that the dog always talks in caps lock. There is no middle path with him, honestly. He’s either completely silent or caps locking everywhere.

Maybe the Humans keep him around to make themselves feel smart?

Catness 

Dear Diary,

Today, the female human found naked female human pictures on the warm thing, again. She tends to scream a lot whenever she does that.

I don’t see what the problem is. I never wear clothes.

Catness 

Dear Diary,

My second captor has returned. The female human appears to be furious. I am furious too.

He shaved his beard off. How am I supposed to scratch my itches now?!

Catness. 

Dear Diary,

I tried to build my survival instincts today. I ate a house plant. It did not taste good.

I think I shall go throw up in the female human’s shoes.

Catness 

Dear Diary,

The dog got himself stuck in the cat flap again. I invited the tabby next door and the black cat from across the street to watch. It took them three hours to get him unstuck and two hours later he was stuck again.

The canine kind make for interesting studies. This is because they are fools.

Catness. 

Dear Diary,

The female human has found a new way to torture me. She has bought a bird. And not just any bird, a colourful bird. He sits in a high up prison, mocking me.

Soon, bird. Soon.

Catness.